Between Death and Living

Its hard to find answer when you are assuming, the problem right now is I have given up on assertaining the truth. I felt betrayed, I know there must been some rational and acceptable explaination behind it, but I gave up. I never thought that it would end up this way. At way hand I felt coming up to Apek straight and whack the shit of him, but I know its not worth it, I should let it go, let everything go, leave everything which are painful and start a new. In a way the truth is reveal, what am I and how am I worth at the eyes of Apek, that I'm just another baggage, he had to fake his sincerety to be my friend. There's no necessity to extend ones hand when one is not needed, I'll keep it to those who is longing.

As how I was before, I did stupid thing when life 'fuck' me in the ass, and how it is before, the cheap door out to all this pain is drugs. By the time I knew it I was so close to overdosing myself, anything more I would be dead. As I was deep at the otherside, I couldn't feel my whole entire body, it was numb at first then it was none. As I was deep and deep, I saw her, she was in a drees, white, with her hair as how I prefer it, and her smile that I've always love, the wrinkle on her nose when she does the smile, and her joyish carefree eyes looking at me, staring through my soul like an angel, then I call out her name, and then everything gone and I couldn't remember anything. As my friend told me, they were dead worried, they really though I was dead, until a few minutes later I was breathing again. Giant was so worried, he'd check my breathing almost every 5 minutes.

I guess I could say, for a second I was at 'the in-between', between death and living, and between death and living I found her at her most angelic and majestic look, at her most beautiful existence. I was waiting for a sign, a sign for me to either wait or move on, and I've found it that night. I should move on, God has reveal her at her best, and I'm the only person who saw her in such a way, therefore regardless with any man she is with, yet none of them saw her as how I see her, as I saw her between death and living, and I could not ask for anything more than that.

Relentlessness

Today was a good session, I could feel there is a much better improvement and fluentcy. Sparred with a newly found friend Bukhari, and he's a really cool guy. Yet, being a morbid perfectionist I knew there's a lot of area I need to improve especially 'gas'. 'Gas' rans out pretty fast I need 'gas' if I were to stay alive in the ring. In fighting, a part from technique and skills you need a top notch conditioning, imagine a Ferrari, a great car, fast and powerful. Though it is so, perhaps it is not raceworthy. Why? Because it needs to be tune to meet the racing requirement. Same as fighting, you may have great skills and technique, but your body and mind must be tune in to fighting mode. At the moment I have none. Crap!!!

The trick is to keep on going, keep on doing it, keep on kicking, and don't stop. There'll always will be light at the end of an avidly dark tunnel, regardless of how dark it is, coal black morbidly dark, there'll always will be light. Believe in it, pursue it and those who remains trying and on a constant path of defeating its own adversary shall emerge victor.

You Do Something to Me...

After a relentless stellar effort from Playa' team Milton still came up short. I've waited literally over phone for hours like a chump, but it never rang, she did not call. I wonder how hard is it to call someone and to break his heart, I guess its so hard to a point it is so unbarable and to satied by ignoring it and pretend that it was never there at the very first place.

I know for a fact that this hole could not and will not be occupied by a person other than her. She've conquered me wholly and I could never find another tenant other than her. This land is only meant for her, her touch, her scent, her softness, her warm, the heart wants what the heart wants. I could give the taste of my shooter to any women I wish on this planet but none will ever own it. The heart wants what the heart wants... I'll be Repunzel, locked in a tower waiting for that Knight in the shining armour to take her away. Shall that Knight never come avail, she'll rot waiting for the truest love ever that never come.

This is a story to tell the world that there does exist true love, of a person who loves a woman so much, that takes his soul, spirit and joy away and leaves him hollow. There does exist such love, and a woman who posses this love from a man shall be the luckiest woman, as she shall not worried about loyaty or such, whenever she turn the man will always be there eternity. There does exist eternity and infinity, love which is so very much constant and everlasting. It is sad that this love given has no hand take.

Life is bizarre, the happiness of this man lies on this mere woman, and when he has so much to give she has no hand for him to take it. I still wish for one chance for me to meet her, perhaps a glimpse, I miss her helplessly... She did something to me...

Let's Get It On!

Riding every morning, on a 40 minutes journey to Hartamas has been proven a bitch. It makes me lazy, and its not practical for just to train with the heavy bag. Finally, I make use of the well earn January comissions and enrol myself at Boxx Warriors Ampang, and by far it is worth every penny. The owner Kirsty is a nice lady and the trainer there, one of them Seramsih is very helpful, though his english is very much limited. Its not only the facilities but also the environment.

I could feel my movement, timing, technique and power is getting slightly better. The lead leg roundhouse is much improving, now the next step is conditioning my self for fighting. I plan to increase my weight training to 3 days a week and hitting it hard, while cardio I'm going to shift to interval, those long 45 minutes running is fucking dead boring. Hopefully I could see a significant improvent in a couple of weeks. Having my background as a bodybuilder, I could'nt help myself noticing that physically I look like crap. Part of the weight training days being increase is to look pretty again. I am afterall the god of war, and as a deity I have to look heavenly and too good to be true.

I hope this would be my rebirth, a new found life. I'll continue training hard, to be merciless and deadly, to be feared, known and respected so that I can say proudly, "this is Him and here comes the pain...". Let's get it on!

Falling In Love.

Few years back I was living aimlessly, I was into alchohol, drugs and on casual sex spree. Life was fun and not so fun. Then I commit myself to one women, got married and living with a routine and full of dicipline. Being married takes a lot away from you, one foremost is freedom. The freedom to do whatever you want. You can't! Not being married you can't. You have to do everything together, with each other approval and consent. I remember Uncle's Joe saying, "there is a lot of other way to kill yourself, why choose marriage?". Yet, I miss being married. I miss the company of a woman, who is not just there for a fuck, but other infinite intimacy, like talking, sharing stuff, and sensitiveness.

Now, I'm back to square one again. Alchohol, drugs and casual sex spree again, and this time its not as cool as few years back, because of the age catching up. Doing drugs, alchohol and sleeping around when you are 20s is cool, but after 7 years and you still onto those shit is not. It shows that you have a real problem of moving on and progressing.

Motivation is an essential part in living, you have to keep yourself motivated at all time to keep you going. Let is be any reason, women money, welth or whatever. Me currently have none. I'm living through the motion and taking it as how it is. Its much easier, yes, but it is somehting that I'm not use to as I always have something that I look forward to. Maybe I need a woman, woman's love works me like a charm. I remember the time when I fall in love, I was a totally different person. Maybe I need to fall in love again, which would be a slight problem because I have to learned how...