Motion

I guess no matter what it is we wish to be better. We wish that our lives, feeling, emotion and journey will be better. The dissapointment that we've sustain over the years of living is very much due to least of understanding, poor perception and lack of positiveness. We do realise that life, and living is a matter of choice and constantly choosing between one or the other. There is no wrong choices, there is only action and consequences. When it comes to the least desireable juncture, we wain in despair, hating or blaming ourselves which make us fail to evaluate and learn.

At a financially challenge stage I yet went for the party, had an 'e' that a couple line of 'k' I went to the other side, at this age the high, worries and enjoyment was different. I had a good time, as many cases before 'k' espesially has never fail to cheer me, but inside I know, my affairs with 'e' and 'k' was long over, it was a mere revisitation. The recovery period has proven to be longer as compared to those young days, the after effect was much horrible and stranger than ever, as it seems everything is in slow motion.

I'm missing her terribly. Day by day it grows and keep on growing. The worst part is, there is nothing I can do about it. I can't call her, talk to her, see her or anything. The only I can do is looking at her picture and reminisce of time that we spent with each other. I wonder what is going on with her, what is going through her head or is she thinking about me. There's time which I felt she is very close and near to me and one day we will be together, or perhaps it is just my wishful, silly hopeless thinking.

I wish things will be better, I have to make things better. I have to make it a realisation, transforming it from mind to reality. I just want to be happy, living adequately, carefree and perhaps someone to share and enjoy it with.

In The Wait

Starting back buying a pack after few days with just buying stick. Smoking is something which I truly enjoy, once when it is lid the world stop moving and I would drown in my own world with my own thoughts and worries. However this likeness contradict with my goal at the current. I need horsepack stamina, and cutting the cigarretes would add 50% to that, so it is a selection between 2 minutes of comfort and a probable lifelong victory.

As I slowly watch myself dissapearing from those around me, I realise that it has been long I enjoy separation and isolation. I'm a very much a man of my own thought and do have a high tendency to hurt those around me, perhaps these is how I am built. I reminisce the thought of what is the possibilities if she is with me, where we are together, would she make me better or would I drown her in my obscurerity. I predict the latter. Maybe this is why I'm isolated and why I'm isolating. A stranger in the world come and go without notice. It is an obvious question to ask what is or are the purpose of our existence in this world. Why are me made? Do we have a purpose or do we serve as the purpose? Who have the answer and if does would it be the truthful one?

There was a point in my life where I thought I have nothing to live for, that I felt I would want to leave, disappear. That is time for me to end. Yet, I felt there is something waiting for me out there, that my story, has a few more chapter to go. A feeling that I could'nt just explain. When much of your time spent drowing in your own thought, you will pick up this kind of crazy shit. A turning where you might just turn nuts and shut down, but perhaps maybe not. I guess I'll stick around a little bit more, put up will all this shit at the moment and wait for this 'something' to happen.

Alone

Today's sparring with Mark and Munir leaves an eyes opening experience. Munir espeacially hit me so fucking hard and for a second it does made me think twice to fight. I've learn that jab is the most important punch in a fight and never let your hand down. After the session, me and Poyo are far more enlightened and would apply it in our training session.

I sent her a message last night. I need an answer. I'm looking for a closure I guess. This episodes needs an ending. The message was quiet explicit, asking her to tell me whether I should wait or move on with my life. I'm expecting a negatory, telling me to move on, but who knows she might say "Oooohh baby, I love you too, I'm gonna dump him right this moment and be with you..." Yes, I know that seems highly unlikely to happen. The only thing that I can't accept is silence. She didn't say yes or no... Its just pure dead silence. What should I do then? Why she's giving the silence. A simple NO would have made my day, so that I could move on and get over the fact that this shit is not going to happen.

We fight all the time literally or figuratively. How much fight left in us depends on how much we are carrying that are worth fighting for. Me, I don't have much to fight for. People that I love are mostly dead, those who are alive I push away. Why? I don't know. Maybe its easier to be alone, but alone does not necessarily being lonely. Most of my best time I enjoy it alone, being alone.

In time I've realise that I'm building a wall around me, those who was then close are getting further. I'm being constantly unreachable, and harder to understand. I want to keep it that way, stranger in the world came and left without notice, or perhaps I'm waiting... Waiting to be taken and save...

Same Old Shit

Finally is all over. I am the newly IKF certified kickboxing personal trainer. The grading was done today, a day earlier from what is schedule. Now, I can get my mind off it and focus on training myself to fight in and amateur boxing bout. I start running off the tredmill, because it is shit bored to run in it for 30 to 50 minutes, now I'm running on a real ground, it is much more tiring but bearable and the most important of all it is not boring.

Having say the word boring twice, it is evidential how boredom scare the shit out of me. I can't stand being bored, I must do something which is not boring, however, ironically it doesn't mean not doing anything is boring. I could sit the whole day lying in front of the tele, or the net, even watching 'her' picture for days and not feeling bored. Human is a funny creature. We are on comedy 24/7, and we always do funny stuff, and the stuff that we do is REALLY funny, but too bad most of us have awfully terrible sense of humor.

As I was looking my future in boxing, it is exactly how I was when I did bodybuilding. Full of doubt, scepticism, and fear. I'm afraid that I will fail. I hate failure, I hate too loose. Again, I am afterall the Famous God of War. It is my nature that I have to excel and be the champion on the things that I like or have interest in, yet that is always not the case.

Still, I am thinking of her, I wish the shirt which I wore on the November 5th still bear her scent. It was the glorious day of my life, somehow I could still smell her, feel her present in the house, the softness of her skin touching mine, the gentle and subtle mourn when we become one and the glimpse of her when she walk out from the house. It's all there, and it is all still fresh, yet she is not mine and I do not acquire her. In all honesty, I would want to kick myself very hard in the ass for each time she is mention. If I could escape myself from myself, I would say to myself "get the fuck over over it you boneless chimp, she's not going to be with you period. She already have a boyfriend, soon to be engage to him, and having sex almost every night, while you here staring at your own dick. Wake up bitch!!!"

Gameover

I arrived at Hartamas at noon. Start off with streching, hopping on the toe(subsituting skipping, because I can't fucking skip), wrap my hand then whack the shit out of the heavy bag. Jab, cross, hook and bodyshot are fine, but it's so difficult landing uppercut on it. It just feel funny. I finish off with some resistance training and 10 minutes jog. Much better than yesterday.

As I reach Ampaville, Zombie call and says Boar ask him to advice me on my performance, that I got to do something with my number or I'll get the boot out. I replied, "fuck off, I don't give a shit!". I should be worried. What am I going to do being jobless? How am I going to eat? Yet, I'm not worried. A man who has nothing to live for has no love, and a man with no love is a dangerous man.

Somehow after meeting Jumpy, I ends up in Changkat, wearing guerilla hat, shorts, and croc, not a clubbing attire. It was nice meeting new people, especially Abus. Somehow I see her strenght in her. Full of energy, carefree yet longing for love and care. I know she has a guy, but everytime when I meet her, there's something missing, the sadness in her eyes, the pain that she endure, discontentment and hopelesness. Abus has that. I would hug her ever so tightly and whisper softly that everything will be alright.

She did'nt call, and I'm not surprised. It's obvious that the time has come for me to let go and embark on another journey. That the ball will never be pass, and I should start play at another court, or perhaps I should be playing something else, which requires no ball, court or passing.

The Quest To Be A Fighter

I've decided that I will embark on being a boxer. I want to do it. I've always love boxing, it fascinate me, the valor, the courage, the thrill of being in a ring is irresistable. I've always intrigue by hand to hand combat and now I have the will to be part of it.

Just like how I started bodybuilding, my interest has been reciprocated with full of scepticism. When I mention my next quest is to be a boxer, people would smile, look at me few times and ends up with a laugh. And just like when I started bodybuilding, I don't really give a fuck because I knew the force in me is unstoppable once its in motion. I started bodybuilding 3 years ago, finish Mr. Selangor 2nd place on the first year, 5th for Mr. KL on the 2nd year, won Mr. Melaka on the 3rd year and hence qualify for Mr. Malaysia. Now, I'm done with bodybuilding and next is competiting in and amateur boxing bout.

The journey starts this morning, I arrived at the gym at 11am, as promise Bob who use to train to as a boxer was there for me. We start off with 3 minutes of skipping which I fail completely, and ends up hopping while holding a ropping. Embarassing. We did some punching with a a weight after that, and finally sparred with the focus mits. It feels good. I finish of with resistance training and 3 minutes of jog.

By the end of it I was drain and walking around the gym the whole day like a zombie. I guess my body needs time to adjust to my new endeavour, since I did bodybuilding in the past for 3 years.

With this new interest, I notice has taken my mind off her
a little bit. I was busy in my head thinking how should I train, what would I train, and how long would I be ready to be properly fighting. Yet, I do still miss her, I miss her A LOT! I could sit the whole day doing nothing and only think about her, but again she is not mine and belong to someone else. Sillily I do picture her sitting by the side of the ring if I ever had the chance to fight. She must be worried, but at the end I won, we went home after that and have a post-fight sex... What a life would that be.

She changed her profile picture, was not sure if it is her. Its a picture a of a lady taken fron the side of face, overlooking a window from inside a plane. I wonder how is she right now, is she well? Is she eating properly? Is she thinking about me or perhaps in bed having sex with her boyfriend. I could'nt stop thinking about all this.

Ultimately I wonder how does it all ends? Will she marry him, or will she finally come to me? I doubt the latter, eventhough as much as I want it to happen. Looking at my life its always been complicated with this sort.

I have to focus now on my new goal. Consider it as 2010 target, to fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Thats all in my head now. I have to train to be stronger, faster and dealier, and the end we will see how does this all ends. I'm already excited.

Living

I went to the course with full of resentment and left it with full of enthusiasm. That's ironic. As I anticipate, the course was tiring, sweaty, and bruising. You had to hit and be hit. I don't really enjoy getting hit, because I'm great, stellar, special, again I am actually the God of war afterall, and being hit signifies defeat. I don't loose, I win, because I am a winner and winner dont get hit.

After a while, I'm slowly getting use to it, being hit. Instead of taking it as an insult to my genormous, larger than life ego, I'm starting to enjoy it. I ask Zombie, my partner, to hit me harder. I want to be hit, hard hit, as hard as a hit could be. The harder it is, the more I receive, the stronger I feel I've become. Ironic. After a while, I think I freak Zombie a bit and he's starting to get worried. You can't hurt me, again, I am the God of war afterall.

Overcoming your corioursity, fear, or anxiety does takes you to another level. You'll actually discover that you can actually do things that you believe you can not. Ironically it shows that we don't actually know who we are, things that we can't, could be the thing that we very much capable of.

There is a saying that, 'dont't try to be something that you are not'. Again, how would you know that you are not supposed to be that thing? We do not know ourselves, we do not know ourselves.. We might think that we want to be or to have that certain thing we want, but we might realise that actually we dont, and would we regret it. I say don't, because that is part of our journey, our life, our living. Perhaps maybe our purpose in life are not meant to discover, perhaps our purpose is to live, feel, touch and know, and once we are done, we'll leave and return to the creator, knowing that the living in this world is knowing.

Sex and Love Making

I notice that smoking regular cigarettes at night finish off way more quicker than than during the day. Maybe I should switch to smoking the cheap Indonesian cigarettes during the night, the one which take ages to finish. Then again maybe I should just stop smoking, prolong my living with better health, live longer. But again, do I really have a good reason to live longer than those of average?

At this point, my reason of living is vague and blurry. Why do I get up every morning, riding my bike to work, eating and earning? What are my cause? My ultimate cause? Would my cause be ordinary or extra ordinary? Some people live for money, to buy stuff. Just plain stuff like mobile phone or fancy cloth. That's ordinary. Some live for their boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, or kids. To provide and make them happy. That's still ordinary. Perhaps I should choose a greater cause like, living to abolish third world hunger, living for the peace of the people in the middle east, or rallying literacy in the third worl country. Now that is extra ordinary. A man standard and value is judge by the cause he choose for living. Do you agree.

Looking at our existence, our life as a human being start from a critically perceptive intercourse. Our life begin when two genitals from the opposing sex with the same function meet. Some people call it sex others call it love making. In my definition, if its a meningless go on a random, I called it having sex, and if its with someone you love, which the affairs you would remember for the rest of your life, I called it love making. In my life, I had sex WAY more than I make love. That's sad.

What is love? Love is spiritual. Something which is undefineable by words and manifest through action. Which its cause and logic escape humans comprehention, undefineable. as an example, the case of Romeo and Juliet. Romeo kill himself knowing that Juliet is no longer living. Romeo lives for Juliet, she is his cause, he breath for her, beats for her, when she's no longer living, he has no reason to stand but to end his life. We might called him foolish, but that is his choosen, and his choice fullfil him physically and spiritually. Therefore, we will settle that striving and pursuing our cause fullfil us, and we are looking for fullfilment, and what fullfil us define us, as we are a creature who seeks for answer and fullfilment from the answer.

I remember a lot of sex and very less love making. There was sex on a girl parent's bedroom, sex on the sofa, the kitchen table, sex at a club washroom, in the car, on a car, beside a car, next to a car, a moving car(don't ask, I don't even know how that happened). Point is, I remember the places but not the person. When you have sex and not love making, during the course its you and yourself. Its all about you and your fullfilment, you. You only care about you and you alone. When love making you would remember everything, its you and the person you love, you would want to remember every moment. You wouldn't want it to end, because it was so special and the first time only happen once. Its beautiful, the meetings of God greatest creation, and from it, its made another one.

Waiting, Still Waiting...

I still remember the first day I meet her, It was in the college. She was wearing a white guess T-shirt, a wash out ocean blue jeans and a cute pair of sandal like shoe. I feel she was drop dead gorgeous at that time, cute, beatiful and amazinglt elegant at that time.

I saw her while walking down the stairs right away, the I told Joe what I encounter and he happens to know her from his previous class. We were introduced, stroll down to kopitiam together with Joe, and we sat at this table at the corner of the lady accessories shop. We were sort of going through some notes, and she sat her knee on my lap. It was the most beautiful moment of my life, and its all very fresh to me.

I thought after confessing my feelings, I could move on, yet that was far from what I wish. I called her, just have to confirm whether she read the confession that I sent, and she did. The first call was not answered, a minute later she called back. She sounded sleepy, when I ask she said she was just lying on the bed, and how I wish I could have that, lying down next to her.

After a few words, she sounded like she's in tears, but I'm not sure. What is remembered from the conversation, she was shock to know the truth, she felt I should have meet and told her personally, and we should meet and talk on these few days.

I felt like there's nothing to talk about accept the fact that I've been in love and crazy about her for the past 6 years, with no ball to tell her personally, and waited at the moment of her engagement to reveal it. I could be either very stupid or ridicolously romantic. Then again she never shoot me down, she never told me that its not going to happen between, as well with leaving her soon to be fiance to be with me. Basicly she did not say fuck off, you are way too late you balless snob.

This is just too much drama for me to handle, but then again its all started from me. Have I told her at least 3 or 4 years back, we might have been married now, with children even, 3 boy triplets and a girl. Yet its all and 'if', a big, huge, genormous fucking 'if', and 'if' doesn't exist in the winner vocabulary, its in the looser.

During the new years eve I didn't go out, I wanted to be alone. While alone, freakily I could feel her present inside the house, I feel she is so very much close to me, and I smile. Then I start thinking where would she be at during this time, maybe partying with her soon to be fiance, and once its over, where will she be at? Maybe back to their place? What would they be doing then? They might be having sex, celebrating their new year resolution. Yet there I am, alone, staring at my own dick, with nobody to play or celebrate with. Sad...

Life is a journey, so I've been told, but its not worth driving if you are not the driver. I'm a control freak, and I always want to be the driver. At this predicament, the ball is in her court, and waiting for her to pass it back to me. If she don't, then I'll have to move to another court, where the ball will actually be pass. The question now is how long shall I wait, or I shouldn't at all, or should I just stop playing ball and started playing something else, which requires no ball or passing or waiting.

Case Close... Fuck It and Move On

It has been 3 days since I finally confess my feelings to her. Why am I unsettle? I guess no matter how much I deny it, I have to admit that I have to know the answer. Does she shares the same feeling too, or not, and continue her relationship with her boyfriend.

What really sucks settling personal issue over the internet is it makes u paranoid. You'll be checking your mail profusely, and if it still no reply you'll be wondering whether she got it or not, or maybe there is connection error and she never receive, or perhaps the boyfriend read it before her and deleted it.

Whatever it is, I guess deep down inside I have to slowly admit it that me and her is not going to happen. That perhaps maybe, I'm bound to be alone, and living the rest of my life wondering how does it feel to have companionship of the love of your life.

I knew that she has always been a loyal person, not Japanese but more of Italian style of loyalty, where fuck whoever the hell you one but always comeback to that one person.

At this point, I have given up on pursuing love. Love, true love is vaguely subjective, distincly esoteric and ridicolously ideal. Most of my love affair ends up with tragedy, and like most tragedy it took years to rebuild.

She would be the last and final series of my disappointment. She will be deemed as the one whose name shall not be mention. I will always and continue loving her, her special spot in my heart will remain.

This year, I will determine my priority, what I want to do, who shall I be, which principle shall I adopt and stand on. I will take as long as I have to redefine my character. Its important to me. I believe I am destine for greater endeavours in life. Maybe I should focus on a far greater cause, like the world hunger or some other international crisis. Maybe this adversary is a push out off the comfort zone. Whatever it is, the case of Neerde is close. I shall, and will not ever, in this life or after open it again. Its done, and its time for me to love me, for me to comfort, pamper and care me. The adventure of 2010 now begins, enter responsibly.

Too Bad Dumba...

I recall one of many adventure of Toby Sanchez's encounter with the opposite gender. Toby had a friend request on the facebook from an unknown girl name Dumba(not a real name). As a persona who constanly looking for a fuck, he accept. They exchange messages, then phone number hence start sms'ing through the phone.

As Toby is known, he has a unique and distinguish method of probing the opposite gender, to allure them into commiting to his ultimate plan, surrendering their bossom.

There was once or twice short conversation on the phone they had but mostly they would be sms'ing. Finally, they meet over a movie after a brief dinner. Toby, made his sly move by holding her hand just before entering the cinema, and througout the movie they were cuddling, and Toby would stroke her hair and nibble her ears from time to time.

After the movie ends as they were in the car, Toby made his closing move by making out with her, and finally at the end they ends up in a hotel room, with Toby fill with the feeling of satisfaction. The next day, as many cases as the previous endeavour, Toby did not call nor answer call. The girl left a bundle of messages with vulgar words. Mostly calling him a bastards and a fuck up piece of shit, which he really is.

Its ironic to see how a girl would be blaming a guy for fucking them and did not call the next day. In this predicament, as you can see, Dumba don't really know Toby much, meet him only once and ends up in bed with him. U have to say nothing but, u had to see that one coming.

They were having a mutual and consenting sexual intercourse in the presence of conscince, Dumba strip off her top and lower down her panty out of her own free will. If she's saying that Toby trick her, then I have to say she must be a one super dumb bitch. Her mind is very much under performing to steer her away from any attacks of wary dicks.

Man, to a certain degree are very much victimise by their own commanding and empowering nature. We are the stronger species, and yet woman asking for equal right and treatment. A word of advise for woman, if u were to be treated with respect by man, stop surrendering your bossom on the first date, start putting a little bit more cloth, and stop using your boob and ass to climb the succes ladder.

I'm not a sexist, I'm being practical. A word from Toby Sanchez to Dumba, "too bad... pull your guard higher the next time".

Introducing John Milton.

Before John Milton become John Milton he was Toby Sanchez for a while, and before that he was Malek Mardose. A three different persona, with distinct character and motivation. The grueing and devastating nature of living made him the person of what he is today. This is not to regard that his life is all pain and sorrow, but most of the case, only the part which are bittered normally remembered.

Malek Mardose was a college student, he is somewhere in the middle between the introvert and extrovert attribute, yet much incline to being an introvert. He smoke and drink, ocassionally looking for a fuck among the other gender but never was too devious to continue the nature. He believe in true love, mildly naive, believing that goodness will reciprocate goodness and a waiting person. Always in the waiting for something good to come. Malek Mardose was not a bad person, he is a lovely, warmth and caring man. Always constantly trying to be a better person, but confuse sometime. Through time, he evolve and potrays a strong and assertive character, and was a very effective leader and a visionary. John Milton was Malek Mardose for a very long time. The dissapointent and confusion of Malek Mardose stage his own downfall, he self destruct, mildly diminish and was never able to return to his original nature. Slowly Malek Mardose become Toby Sanchez.

Enter Toby Sancez, mostly of the opposite of Malek Mardose. While Malek Mardose portrays a stable, and decent personality, while internally longing for wildness and innocent vice. Toby Sanchez, was pious to a certain extend, he fucks around one after another, drink and smoke profusely, innocently brutal to the opposite gender, a traditionally portrayal of not so gentlemently like. However, deep inside, sadly, he long for decency and kindness.

He knows deeply in his heart, that he could never sustain living. That he is not meant to be him but someone else. At surface, it seems that Malek Mardose trying to resurrect himself and take charge. Then start the war, the inner war of emergence of a new persona. Whom we do not know who, but has silence for eternity and now emerging. One which is more powerful than the both. Finally the both diminish, and the silence victor arise. Which its schemes and motivation is much blurry to the eyes of the traditional, and yet to define itself.

Race and Religion.

I live in Malaysia, a country with multi racial population. Malay, Chinese, and Indian constitute the core race of Malaysia. I was born Malay and naturally I'm a muslim. Recently, I was highly intrigue with the issue of the usement of the word Allah by the Christian in Malaysia. Now, the Christians in my country, would want to use the word in their magazine, to preach Christianity among the Malay speaking population not necessarily in Malay. The goverment impose a ban on this, and the court recently lift it up.

It is funny to me if this is to be regard as an effort to protect the religion. Whereas there's numerous area which we neglected, propelling our race and religion towards greater downfall. Malays drinking openly in public, aldultery, buying lottery, gambling, drug abuse and the list goes on.

The word Allah, in Arabs means God. The muslims god is not Allah, the muslim god is God. It does not have name, as in John Milton, Toby Sanchez or Malek Mardose. We use the word Allah as a reference to him in this physical world. He's great because he does not have name, place or physical being. That's why God is great.

Other religion may adopt the word Allah as much as they wish, but the perception, concept and nature of the understanding of Allah between the Muslim are far different.

If we truly understand this, we would drop this issue completely and start raising other issue in regards of our degrading race and religion. We should look elsewhere, and looking elsewhere we should.

A Farewell to 2009.

Its year 2010, where everybody was exited welcoming the new year, I was excited waving goodbye to 2009. It has been a year of turmoil, confusion, depression and change for me.

I wish 2010 will be a happy year for me, and yes, that's all I wanted, to be happy. I don't have to have 5 figure in my bank account, drive an european car or a girlfriend that look and can fuck like a pornstar. That doesn't necessarily make me happy...

As for 2009, I bit u farewell, and in the words of John Milton, "fuck-off and never comeback again".