In The Wait

Starting back buying a pack after few days with just buying stick. Smoking is something which I truly enjoy, once when it is lid the world stop moving and I would drown in my own world with my own thoughts and worries. However this likeness contradict with my goal at the current. I need horsepack stamina, and cutting the cigarretes would add 50% to that, so it is a selection between 2 minutes of comfort and a probable lifelong victory.

As I slowly watch myself dissapearing from those around me, I realise that it has been long I enjoy separation and isolation. I'm a very much a man of my own thought and do have a high tendency to hurt those around me, perhaps these is how I am built. I reminisce the thought of what is the possibilities if she is with me, where we are together, would she make me better or would I drown her in my obscurerity. I predict the latter. Maybe this is why I'm isolated and why I'm isolating. A stranger in the world come and go without notice. It is an obvious question to ask what is or are the purpose of our existence in this world. Why are me made? Do we have a purpose or do we serve as the purpose? Who have the answer and if does would it be the truthful one?

There was a point in my life where I thought I have nothing to live for, that I felt I would want to leave, disappear. That is time for me to end. Yet, I felt there is something waiting for me out there, that my story, has a few more chapter to go. A feeling that I could'nt just explain. When much of your time spent drowing in your own thought, you will pick up this kind of crazy shit. A turning where you might just turn nuts and shut down, but perhaps maybe not. I guess I'll stick around a little bit more, put up will all this shit at the moment and wait for this 'something' to happen.