Waiting, Still Waiting...

I still remember the first day I meet her, It was in the college. She was wearing a white guess T-shirt, a wash out ocean blue jeans and a cute pair of sandal like shoe. I feel she was drop dead gorgeous at that time, cute, beatiful and amazinglt elegant at that time.

I saw her while walking down the stairs right away, the I told Joe what I encounter and he happens to know her from his previous class. We were introduced, stroll down to kopitiam together with Joe, and we sat at this table at the corner of the lady accessories shop. We were sort of going through some notes, and she sat her knee on my lap. It was the most beautiful moment of my life, and its all very fresh to me.

I thought after confessing my feelings, I could move on, yet that was far from what I wish. I called her, just have to confirm whether she read the confession that I sent, and she did. The first call was not answered, a minute later she called back. She sounded sleepy, when I ask she said she was just lying on the bed, and how I wish I could have that, lying down next to her.

After a few words, she sounded like she's in tears, but I'm not sure. What is remembered from the conversation, she was shock to know the truth, she felt I should have meet and told her personally, and we should meet and talk on these few days.

I felt like there's nothing to talk about accept the fact that I've been in love and crazy about her for the past 6 years, with no ball to tell her personally, and waited at the moment of her engagement to reveal it. I could be either very stupid or ridicolously romantic. Then again she never shoot me down, she never told me that its not going to happen between, as well with leaving her soon to be fiance to be with me. Basicly she did not say fuck off, you are way too late you balless snob.

This is just too much drama for me to handle, but then again its all started from me. Have I told her at least 3 or 4 years back, we might have been married now, with children even, 3 boy triplets and a girl. Yet its all and 'if', a big, huge, genormous fucking 'if', and 'if' doesn't exist in the winner vocabulary, its in the looser.

During the new years eve I didn't go out, I wanted to be alone. While alone, freakily I could feel her present inside the house, I feel she is so very much close to me, and I smile. Then I start thinking where would she be at during this time, maybe partying with her soon to be fiance, and once its over, where will she be at? Maybe back to their place? What would they be doing then? They might be having sex, celebrating their new year resolution. Yet there I am, alone, staring at my own dick, with nobody to play or celebrate with. Sad...

Life is a journey, so I've been told, but its not worth driving if you are not the driver. I'm a control freak, and I always want to be the driver. At this predicament, the ball is in her court, and waiting for her to pass it back to me. If she don't, then I'll have to move to another court, where the ball will actually be pass. The question now is how long shall I wait, or I shouldn't at all, or should I just stop playing ball and started playing something else, which requires no ball or passing or waiting.